WASHINGTON, D.C.—With infant formula shortages reaching crisis levels
across the nation, Pete Buttigieg is struggling to find food for his
twin babies and has been forced to resort to chestfeeding. 

"Well,
I'm sad it's come to this, but we have no choice. We have to
chestfeed," said Buttigieg to his husband Chasten. "With any luck, we'll
be able to harvest enough chestfluid to keep these babies nourished."

Chasten Buttigieg then looked on in horror as his husband Pete attempted to chestfeed two nursing babies.

"My
first several attempts at chestfeeding have proven unsuccessful, even
after hiring an expensive lactation consultant," Buttigieg later told
reporters. "This is because human biology is homophobic and won't allow a
gay man such as myself to feed his own baby. And now my babies are
starving and my nipples are sore. Does anyone know any women? Any women
at all? Help!"

The Biden Administration has asked for any women on
staff who know how to feed babies to report to the Buttigieg residence
and assist immediately. The military also authorized an emergency
delivery of formula to the Transportation Secretary's house, but the
truck got stuck on a racist bridge that Buttigieg had demolished.

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RW