September 12, 2004 (TAP) -- CBS executives announced today that CBS since the final day of the Democratic Convention, they have been seeking to take over the Democrat Party. The decision was made by the whole CBS staff "in liberal communal fashion" after listening to John Kerry's tepid convention speech.

Veteran anchor Dan Rather will likely serve as the titular head of the "new" Democrat party, since only one name can appear on the masthead, but the entire top CBS staff will share the White House after the takeover.

"While CBS reporters were doing the post-speech analysis, they suddenly realized that CBS believed in all the same things the Democrat party believes but Mr. Kerry was unable to spark the party faithful," Mr. Rather said.

Mr. Rather said, "It's only logical that CBS should be integrated with the Democrat party; I have authentic documentary proof that CBS can beat Mr. Bush in November."

Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA, whom Mr. Rather has referred to as "Teddy" in the past endorsed CBS's move. He will introduce legislation to provide special additional election funding to CBS.

Spokespersons for CNN, NBC, ABC, the AP and the New York Times said their organizations had considered making the same move but lacked the authenticated documentation held by Mr. Dan Rather.

Assorted Press calls to FOX TV News were not returned.

Copied Right, Some Rights Conserved, The Assorted Press, 2004 -- "We support confirmative action".

FH