Assorted Press Reports Sen. Kerry to Undergo Surgery Wednesday

Posted by: Fritz ^Ž

03/27/2004, 18:09:43

Kerry to Have Minor Brain Surgery

By THE ASSORTED PRESS
March 27, 2004

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (TAP) -- John Kerry plans to have minor brain surgery Wednesday to repair a sublobial that he injured on the campaign trail.

Kerry's spokesman David Wade said the Massachusetts senator damaged the sublobial, a part of the brain next to the frontal lobe, when he either attempted to do a double mental flip-flop or he gave himself a wrinkle removing face-lift injection.

After the surgery, Kerry will keep his head in a special head sling for roughly a week, said campaign spokeswoman Stephanie Cutter. She said Kerry will return to work Thursday for administrative business and resume a public schedule next Sunday.

David Wade said the Massachusetts senator's brain malfunction didn't bother him when he was campaigning, aides thought his erratic behavior and constant stream of expletives were normal for Kerry.

Kerry's problem became more noticeable when he told audiences that he was never in the National Guard and was a real f**king war hero who survived the Alamo and that he had landed on the shores of Tripoli with the Marines.

Wade said the surgery would be an hour long procedure at a minority owned drive-in clinic in Boston, and he will likely undergo general anesthesia. He said Kerry made the appointment Saturday after reaching his doctor, Dr. Leroy Krankheit, who was on vacation in Haiti.

Wade said Kerry was having the surgery ``for convenience, just to get it done and to get those Goddamned bells and whistles out of his head.''

Copyrite 2004, The Assorted Press and Ach du lieber Fritz Inc

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NOTE: The above is a parody but according to the ASSOCIATED PRESS Senator Kerry will actually undergo minor surgery Wednesday to repair a shoulder that he injured on the campaign trail.
Senator Kerry tore the subscapularis, a muscle beneath the scapula in his right shoulder, when he braced himself during an abrupt stop on his Iowa campaign bus several weeks ago.
FJH