American History Book Revisions to Bring Balance

The Assorted Press

May 2004 (TAP) – Textbook publishers today announced several major revisions in future American history books in the wake of complaints from the People’s Front for Progressive Text Books (PFFPTB).

A report prepared by the PFFPTB stated that American history books used in public schools were filled with raging patriotism and lack of balance.

Starting in the fall of 2005, textbooks purged of any patriotism will be available for public schools.

The new books will include the following information:

-- The Puritans came to American looking for Indians to slaughter.

--The American Revolution was a pro-war uprising against a peaceful and legitimate English government. It sparked a pandemic of so-called 'democracies' worldwide which have ruined the prospects for a 'people's Socialist Utopia'.

--The so-called 'Founding Fathers', when debating the Constitution, failed to consider the feelings of politically correct liberals, the advocates of cultural diversity and animal rights proponents. Therefore, the Constitution does not apply to anyone who disagrees with it.

--The United States got into World War II to protect future access to Volkswagen Beetles, German Spaten-Brau beer and Japanese audio devices.

-- The "right to keep and bear arms" applies only to employees of the government and wealthy liberal celebrities.

--The elder Bush fought WW II as a pilot in the Pacific against Japan because the Bush family had ties to Nazi Germany.

--If it were not for the Watergate break-in, George McGovern would have won the presidency in 1972, and by 1974 he would have taught "the world to sing in perfect harmony" and American soldiers would place flowers in their rifle muzzles.

--Al Gore really did invent the Internet.

--American industrial imperialism is the reason why the whole world hates America and why France failed to become a global super power.

Assorted Press historian, O. K. Corralis, contributed to this article.

Copied Right 2004, The Assorted Press